Through the Blackhole

I have gone numb to everything. Colours, feelings, happiness. I can't feel anything. All that is left is hopelessness. I don't enjoy the things I used to. I want to run away. I can't take it anymore. Fighting that nameless, multi-faced thing. I am not a survivor. I cannot live in the world because I cannot accept it for what it is. Which is why I am not upto the world's mark. I don't see any point in living life like this. I don't see any point in anything. I am tired and have no energy left to fight anymore. All I want to do is just rest and rest and rest. I want to run away. Far far away from this maddening crowd. I am so restless. I cannot find happiness anywhere. I have tried and tried and finally now I accept defeat. I always say "When is life ever fair?". Now I add this to it: "And if you are born on the unfair side of the balance, it'll semper be unfair for you." Wherever I am, I am never happy. I don't have a home. I am a nomad. Searching through sands of time for that elusive treasure. Going through mirages and illusions of the ideal oasis. I can't live anymore. I have no interest in anything. What should I live for when I know that these days will never ever go from my life? When I know I have to live with this burden of guilt till the end of my time? What will people give me and what can they do for me except for shunning me because I dared to be different? What is the purpose of life then? Why do you need to live and for what? For whom? For love or for money or for ambition or for proving yourself? To whom and for what? And why doesn't God ever answer my questions still remains a mystery for me. I have called onto him inumerable times (atleast I think so) and still am calling to him. For once please God please answer my questions. I swear I will never ask for anything ever again. I am waiting...

Amor, Agapi, Liefde, kärlek, habib...

Love is such a weird thing to happen. One minute it gives you wings and you are flying high up in the universe happily and the next, before you know it you are sinking deeper than the deepest point in the Pacific Ocean. Something that you can never get over if you have truly loved. It'll linger in your life forever as a long lost secret of that exotic island, as a fragrance of a tender poison.

It becomes worse when you are almost there at the summit and a huge avalanche occurs and you realise you are back where you had started. Deeply hurt, hopeless and the genesis of all your smiles being the happy memories of the past. Like in Snakes and Ladders when you roll the die and reach the 99th square, you fall straight down to fifty through the ladder.

The best part though the worst is that the only antidote available to love is nothing but love itself.

Cheers if there are still anymore left.