The Journal From Hell

Last night sat with the biotech experiments journal to complete it. Realised its an instrument of torture and sadism the point of which is to make the fact clear that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to complete this devilish task in its entirety. Supposedly its very easy to write as you just have to fill in observations and draw conclusions and state the result. The rest all that is aim, theory, procedure etcetera are printed. But if you look closer, you'd realise that it doesn't really make a difference whether these were printed or not. We are to fill our pages with extra theory even if not required, mention the name of each experiment clearly on subsequent page even if it has already been mentioned prior. Plus draw 'neat' diagrams which is no easy feat coz the journal is really fat so when you go to draw diagrams on any page, it's unbalanced with the result that you keep drawing and erasing again and again till the page is almost torn and out of frustration you start tearing your own hair.

As if this were not enough, you have to make a separate booklet where if you like you can add more theory, write about field reports and stick pictures to prove you've been to the places that you have mentioned and as one prof put it, make it attractive and impressive. Impressive is still understandable but attractive?? Anyways as I was saying, you gotta add an entire chapter on statistics, include like maybe only 50 problems which is quite LESS... and genetic problems and so it goes on... Much like some friend's shopping list when you commit the mistake of telling him/her where you going for vacation!

In all this mess, I don't understand the point of distributing 'printed' journals. Might as well sit and write the entire thing out instead of doing things halfway. T put it as 'wastage of time'. As if this were more fruitful. Haa! At the end of it, when you think you are finally done with the bloody thing, the prof will suddenly discover a hundred errors and ask you to redo them again. And again. And again.

So this vicious process will continue and when you will have finally completed your journal, got it certified and covered it neatly with brown recycled paper, there will be just 24 hours left for the final practical exam and when you've touched the skies of happiness after a harrowing journey through hell, you'll have to prepare for another journey through a hell even more worse than this. Good Luck.

She and Me

Everytime I look at her in the photo album, I see tired lines emerging from under the corners of her pearl shaped eyes. Pain and sadness peek from behind the curtains of loneliness and frustration. Her beauty robbed by fate. Her frail body, her worn out hands and her beautiful thick hair now thin and white make me realise the damage that has been done to her. And I hold myself responsible for it. Had I not been there (sometimes I think for a good reason I shouldn't have been there because I have never given her any happiness nor am I capable of giving her) she would not have been reduced to this stature. She gave me love, I gave her pain. She hugged me to protect me. I hit back with force in retaliation thinking she wanted to chain me. She fulfilled my wishes. Greedily I asked for more.

But now is there any point in repenting? Things were said, tempers exchanged and apologies given with who knows what intention. All that remains now is sadness and pain. And a huge burden of guilt. Unending and cumbersome.

She's so wonderfully warm, kind and gentle. Never have I ever seen anybody more compassionate than her. Since the day I have known her, she's always been the same person. Only even after all this she still trusts fate, still trusts the world and the people in it. And in all this, it is tranquility that still illuminates her face. I know not whether it is from some godforskaen eternal well of hope or because of pain. Whereas someone like me at this age, has lost all trust and fate in this world and its people. Yet for some reason I don't know why I am still so attracted to studying people, their behaviours, their cultures, what makes them do what they do etcetera

Sometimes I feel very lucky to deserve her. But when it comes to her, I feel that I have been the most horrible child ever that she doesn't deserve at all. For what fault of hers did she deserve a freak for a father, a crappy husband like him, even more crappier a daughter like me?

When I am with her I am at peace with myself, with everybody around me. I guess that is true love. But when she is with me, deep down inside she's worried about me. And I hate myself for giving her those worries. I hate myself because half of me comes from him who was so rotten to her. I hate myself for being like him. I hate meself for looking a little like him. Yet I am helpless. I can't do anything because that is a fact that he is my father one, and two he will always be no matter what.

I guess everybody has to pay a price for whatever they have in life. This is the price I pay for being God' special child and I don't mind paying more than this or paying with my life for somebody like her for she brings the best out in me and she loves me like nobody else has ever done.

Welcome to My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Welcome to my life

-Simple Plan

This is also my life.

Return to Normalcy

Why do I am so feelingless? I mean nothing at all is evoking any kind of response in me...Just like going on for some reason...I mean I keep feeling so damn weird. Haven;'t even unpacked as yet. Am going to college also but there is nothing interesting or new happening neither do I wanna take interest in whats happening...Damn..... I am so bloody confused about every single thing in life. It's as if nothing is concrete and everything around me is so mushy, gooey stuff and I am swimming aimlessly in it. Why is it so difficult to find something that you are really interested in and enjoy doing? I mean it's as if I am jack of all trades but master of none... I lose interest so easily in anything... Agreed its restlessness that makes a person 'alive' and 'kicking' but soo much of restlessness?? I have no clue about myself and about my life. God I am such a pathetic sob story man.... God alone help me!

Out with Friends

Went for bowling today. It's fun but gets boring when too many people play together. And I suck at bowling which is to be expected coz I hardly play. After that we hung out at the Mall and had dinner. Everybody gorged on burgers and Indian fast food and sodas... I had a meagre lebanese wrap and an ice cream scoop. And as usual everbody started chiding me for being on the Atkins diet. Anyway I am used to all that crap from people about how dieting is not good and how it sucks, there was this girl J, who started saying that Atkins sucks and you put on the minute you're off from the diet. So I was like: "Thats the case with any diet." And then she goes like: "No No...Look at me. I dieted. ( apparently she lost about 24 kgs by being just 'anorexic'...so she says hehehe) I didn't put my weight back on." God...people become so jealous when you tell them happily that the diet worked for you. Atkins ROCKS! and I am proud to flash the fact I lost a few if not all the kgs with Atkins That is a great start to losing weight. I just hope and pray that I don't put back all that weight again. Of course that requires sacrifice and hardwork and I am ready for that!! Cheers!

Freedom from FAT

Weight loss is such an addiction. Once you shed a few pounds, it starts to grow on you like a fungus. Your inner voice starts plaguing you, if you can look so different just by losing this much, then imagine how great you'd look if you lost a little more. And a little and a little. And it just goes on for the rest of your life.

After this Atkins diet, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at good wholesome, healthy food normally. It just ain't fair, that a few people have such great systems and such nice, natural built in figures! While lesser mortals like us have to struggle with our weight and our inner devils.

Through the Blackhole

I have gone numb to everything. Colours, feelings, happiness. I can't feel anything. All that is left is hopelessness. I don't enjoy the things I used to. I want to run away. I can't take it anymore. Fighting that nameless, multi-faced thing. I am not a survivor. I cannot live in the world because I cannot accept it for what it is. Which is why I am not upto the world's mark. I don't see any point in living life like this. I don't see any point in anything. I am tired and have no energy left to fight anymore. All I want to do is just rest and rest and rest. I want to run away. Far far away from this maddening crowd. I am so restless. I cannot find happiness anywhere. I have tried and tried and finally now I accept defeat. I always say "When is life ever fair?". Now I add this to it: "And if you are born on the unfair side of the balance, it'll semper be unfair for you." Wherever I am, I am never happy. I don't have a home. I am a nomad. Searching through sands of time for that elusive treasure. Going through mirages and illusions of the ideal oasis. I can't live anymore. I have no interest in anything. What should I live for when I know that these days will never ever go from my life? When I know I have to live with this burden of guilt till the end of my time? What will people give me and what can they do for me except for shunning me because I dared to be different? What is the purpose of life then? Why do you need to live and for what? For whom? For love or for money or for ambition or for proving yourself? To whom and for what? And why doesn't God ever answer my questions still remains a mystery for me. I have called onto him inumerable times (atleast I think so) and still am calling to him. For once please God please answer my questions. I swear I will never ask for anything ever again. I am waiting...

Amor, Agapi, Liefde, kärlek, habib...

Love is such a weird thing to happen. One minute it gives you wings and you are flying high up in the universe happily and the next, before you know it you are sinking deeper than the deepest point in the Pacific Ocean. Something that you can never get over if you have truly loved. It'll linger in your life forever as a long lost secret of that exotic island, as a fragrance of a tender poison.

It becomes worse when you are almost there at the summit and a huge avalanche occurs and you realise you are back where you had started. Deeply hurt, hopeless and the genesis of all your smiles being the happy memories of the past. Like in Snakes and Ladders when you roll the die and reach the 99th square, you fall straight down to fifty through the ladder.

The best part though the worst is that the only antidote available to love is nothing but love itself.

Cheers if there are still anymore left.