The Journal From Hell

Last night sat with the biotech experiments journal to complete it. Realised its an instrument of torture and sadism the point of which is to make the fact clear that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to complete this devilish task in its entirety. Supposedly its very easy to write as you just have to fill in observations and draw conclusions and state the result. The rest all that is aim, theory, procedure etcetera are printed. But if you look closer, you'd realise that it doesn't really make a difference whether these were printed or not. We are to fill our pages with extra theory even if not required, mention the name of each experiment clearly on subsequent page even if it has already been mentioned prior. Plus draw 'neat' diagrams which is no easy feat coz the journal is really fat so when you go to draw diagrams on any page, it's unbalanced with the result that you keep drawing and erasing again and again till the page is almost torn and out of frustration you start tearing your own hair.

As if this were not enough, you have to make a separate booklet where if you like you can add more theory, write about field reports and stick pictures to prove you've been to the places that you have mentioned and as one prof put it, make it attractive and impressive. Impressive is still understandable but attractive?? Anyways as I was saying, you gotta add an entire chapter on statistics, include like maybe only 50 problems which is quite LESS... and genetic problems and so it goes on... Much like some friend's shopping list when you commit the mistake of telling him/her where you going for vacation!

In all this mess, I don't understand the point of distributing 'printed' journals. Might as well sit and write the entire thing out instead of doing things halfway. T put it as 'wastage of time'. As if this were more fruitful. Haa! At the end of it, when you think you are finally done with the bloody thing, the prof will suddenly discover a hundred errors and ask you to redo them again. And again. And again.

So this vicious process will continue and when you will have finally completed your journal, got it certified and covered it neatly with brown recycled paper, there will be just 24 hours left for the final practical exam and when you've touched the skies of happiness after a harrowing journey through hell, you'll have to prepare for another journey through a hell even more worse than this. Good Luck.

She and Me

Everytime I look at her in the photo album, I see tired lines emerging from under the corners of her pearl shaped eyes. Pain and sadness peek from behind the curtains of loneliness and frustration. Her beauty robbed by fate. Her frail body, her worn out hands and her beautiful thick hair now thin and white make me realise the damage that has been done to her. And I hold myself responsible for it. Had I not been there (sometimes I think for a good reason I shouldn't have been there because I have never given her any happiness nor am I capable of giving her) she would not have been reduced to this stature. She gave me love, I gave her pain. She hugged me to protect me. I hit back with force in retaliation thinking she wanted to chain me. She fulfilled my wishes. Greedily I asked for more.

But now is there any point in repenting? Things were said, tempers exchanged and apologies given with who knows what intention. All that remains now is sadness and pain. And a huge burden of guilt. Unending and cumbersome.

She's so wonderfully warm, kind and gentle. Never have I ever seen anybody more compassionate than her. Since the day I have known her, she's always been the same person. Only even after all this she still trusts fate, still trusts the world and the people in it. And in all this, it is tranquility that still illuminates her face. I know not whether it is from some godforskaen eternal well of hope or because of pain. Whereas someone like me at this age, has lost all trust and fate in this world and its people. Yet for some reason I don't know why I am still so attracted to studying people, their behaviours, their cultures, what makes them do what they do etcetera

Sometimes I feel very lucky to deserve her. But when it comes to her, I feel that I have been the most horrible child ever that she doesn't deserve at all. For what fault of hers did she deserve a freak for a father, a crappy husband like him, even more crappier a daughter like me?

When I am with her I am at peace with myself, with everybody around me. I guess that is true love. But when she is with me, deep down inside she's worried about me. And I hate myself for giving her those worries. I hate myself because half of me comes from him who was so rotten to her. I hate myself for being like him. I hate meself for looking a little like him. Yet I am helpless. I can't do anything because that is a fact that he is my father one, and two he will always be no matter what.

I guess everybody has to pay a price for whatever they have in life. This is the price I pay for being God' special child and I don't mind paying more than this or paying with my life for somebody like her for she brings the best out in me and she loves me like nobody else has ever done.

Welcome to My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Welcome to my life

-Simple Plan

This is also my life.